Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Pain from a Future Wound: Betting on Mad Men Season 6

In sports, futures bets are a popular way for casual fans to get in on some sweet season-long action and casinos to take advantage of the eternal optimism of Cubs fans. What's more, future odds for next season are up mere minutes after the previous season ends. And while you can't place many entertainment-related bets in Vegas, you can certainly place them online. With all that in mind, The Feats of Strength proudly presents the first lines posted* for the sixth season of Mad Men.

* - God, I HOPE they're the first lines posted. What is wrong with you people?

8-to-5: Don Draper cheats on Megan.
50-to-1: ...with Joan.
100-to-1: ...with Dawn.
500-to-1: ...with Peggy.
750-to-1: ...with Betty.
2,000-to-1: ...with Megan's mother.
1,000,000-to-1: ...with Roger Sterling.
8-to-1: Megan cheats on Don.
12-to-1: ...specifically to get an acting gig.
30-to-1: ...specifically to get an acting gig that she actually gets.
2-to-1: Charles Manson gets mentioned next season.
10-to-1: Yoko Ono gets mentioned next season.
15-to-1: ...and is compared (ironically) to Megan Draper.
15-to-1: Greg "Trapper" Harris gets killed in Vietnam.
25-to-1: ...in the Tet Offensive.
100-to-1: ...by Joan, who flies out on her vacation to do it herself.
3,000-to-1: ...by Jane Fonda, when posing for that anti-aircraft gun picture.
4-to-1: Someone in the office gets drafted.
10-to-1: ...it's Stan Rizzo.
12-to-1: ...it's Michael Ginsberg.
25-to-1: ...it's Kenny Cosgrove.
100-to-1: ...it's Pete Campbell.
10,000-to-1: ...it's Lieutenant Don Draper. OH SNAP.
5-to-1: SCDP hires a guy with long hair.
5.00001-to-1: ...who gets told by Bert Cooper that he looks like a girl.
3-to-1: Pete Campbell gets punched in the face.
OFF: ...and everyone is happy about it.

6.5: Sexual conquests for Don Draper (excluding Megan)
3.5: Sexual conquests for Pete Campbell (excluding Trudy)
0.5: Consenting (i.e., non-paid) sexual conquests for Pete Campbell (excluding Trudy)
175: Weight, in pounds, of Betty Francis in her first appearance
0.5: References to the Boston Red Sox' "Impossible Dream" season of 1967 (what?)
2.5: Puns made by hallucinated dead people
64.5: Number of drinks Don has
0.1: Percentage, out of 100, of episode preview clips that make any damn sense

Don Draper, 100-to-1: cirrhosis of the liver -- hey, main characters die sometimes; just ask Ned Stark or anyone in Lost
Megan Draper, 40-to-1: Matthew Weiner gets bored
Peggy Olson, 75-to-1: face freezes like that
Joan Harris, 75-to-1: Tacoma Narrows-style resonance leading to structural collapse
Bert Cooper, 10-to-1: crushed by that stupid painting
Roger Sterling, 5-to-1: acid trip gone bad, man
Betty Francis, 50-to-1: whipped cream shots gone bad, man
Sally Francis, 200-to-1: murdered by Glen Bishop
Gene Francis, 200-to-1: eaten by Betty Francis

Disclaimer: I am not actually offering to take money on these propositions. Stop calling me and hanging up already. I can hear you.

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