Monday, July 16, 2012

They're Not Booing ... Are They?: The Return of Kevin Youkilis

Kevin Youkilis, "the Greek god of walks", started his professional baseball career as a relative nobody, a late-round flier that surprised everyone to become a hero of the 2007 World Series winners. Over time, though, his star dimmed thanks to injuries and less irritating replacements from Pawtucket. He was recently traded to the White Sox and returns this week to Fenway for the first time since the trade.

What better opportunity for "sources within the Red Sox organization" to besmirch his reputation with a classless character assassination?

Since no one else was forthcoming with the story you KNOW you want to hear, I had to go to my own sources*. Here's what they told me about everyone's favorite corner infielder/Hellboy villain.

* - Sources may not, technically, exist.

1. "Youkilis took a whole bunch of steroids while he was in Boston. Um, they were mine, and I'd like them back, please."
2. "Always had a suite to himself on the road. It wasn't in his contract or anything, it's just that nobody could stand him long enough to share."
3. "Kept a pet kitten in the clubhouse this year to keep him from going berserk after strikeouts. When Bobby V questioned Youkilis' desire and commitment, Kevin got so mad he bit the cat's head off."
4. "Back in 2003, Grady Little relied on him to tell him when to take out his starting pitchers, even though Youk was only our AA third baseman at the time."
5. "Remember that shoving match with Manny Ramirez? It was because Manny wouldn't let Youk borrow his do-rag."
6. "Played video games with cancer patients for a Jimmy Fund event. Not only did he not let them win, he ran up the score on them."
7. "Got super pissed about the beer in the clubhouse, but only because Tito wouldn't let him bring in Four Loko."
8. "Constantly complained to the umpires about calls that he felt went against him. But not, like, recent calls. Calls from his Little League days that other umpires had made."
9. "Insisted on having Cincinnati chili in the post-game spread. I mean, what IS that shit anyway?"
10. "That beard? Glued on."

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